PS 3523 
.E12 L3 
1921 
Copy 



1 The Late Mr. Kidd 



W. S. Leaejt, Jr. 



THE PI ETA SOCIETY 

OF HARVARD UNIVERSITY 

Presents 

THE LATE MR. KIDD 

A Musical Play in Three Acts 



By 
W. B. LEACH, JE., '21 



FIRST PUBLIC PERFORMANCE 

AT THE PI ETA THEATRE, CAMBRIDGE 

MARCH 15, 1921 

COPYRIGHT 1921: W. B. LEACH, JR. 









'CI.D 5 7477 



FEB 19 1921 



The Basis of the Play 

From: W. I. Drinkwater, "Ethnologic Phenomena," page 53, The Mac- 
mill an Co. 

" Isolated foreign ethnic groups, apparent exceptions to the rule of race 
homogeneity within geographic divisions, are never of strict natural origin. 
Tambelo (or Tambelan) Island of the Malay Archipelago affords a striking 
instance of such artificial extraction. In this island principality a distinct 
strain of Caucasian blood was discovered in the "natives," some of whom 
were nearly pure white. Recent discoveries show this anomaly to be ex- 
plained by the early establishment here of a pirate colony preying on the 
commerce of the British and Dutch East India Companies before effective 
protection could be afforded these projects by the home governments. 
The peculiar position of Tambelo Island in the China Sea, at once isolated 
and hazardous of approach by virtue of encircling coral reefs, yet within 
striking distance of French Indo-China, British India, and the Straits 
Settlements and accessible to the mariner versed in its secret channels, 
readily corroborates this hypothesis." 



3] 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 

IN ORDER OF THEIR APPEARANCE 

Theobald Dunlap, of Theobald and Dunlap, Inc. 

Hilda — "she loved him so!" 

Mapk Antony, all-round guy of the Dubb household. 

Rufus Dubb, known as " Rufe," assistant to his father. 

Arthur Dubb, Professor of Ethnology, University of Georgia. 

Barbara, ward of Professor Dubb. 

Mrs. Gwendolyn Dubb, Blue Law advocate and first member of the 

Dubb household. 
Tai Lo, a descendant of Captain Kidd. 

Boozer Bill Buxton 1 A R A w Q L ^^^ 

Steve, the Sticker J 
The Ghost of Captain Kidd. 
The Soothsayer. 

The Rajah, chief of the bandit rulers of Tambelo. 
Sadie of Woolworth's. 
College girls, pajama girls, natives, and bandits. 



SYNOPSIS 

Act I. The home of Professor Dubb near Atlanta, Georgia. A late 
afternoon in May, 1920. 

Act II. The same. 

Scene I. IIP. M. 
Scene II. Midnight. 

Act. III. The meeting place of the natives, Tambelo. Two weeks later. 
Scene I. Afternoon. 
Scene II. Early evening. 
Scene III. Thirty minutes later. 

House lights will not be used between Scenes I and II of Act II, nor 
between Scenes II and III of Act III. 

[4] 



ACT I 

[The curtain rises on a well appointed drawing room. Two French win- 
dows divide the rear wall in three nearly equal parts. Between them an old 
oriental sea chest of large dimensions. Double doors with portieres right and 
left. Through doors right a stairway is seen. Door left leads to the dining-room. 
A davenport down stage left. Chairs.] 

Song: Opening Chorus: "The Modern College Girl." 

[Enter Theo, a dapper, smart, self-assured type of about twenty-five 

Song: years.] Song: " The Hero " [first verse] . 

[Enter Hilda and a chorus girl. Hilda is a nice, drab debutante 
with a sentimental tinge.] 

One of the Original Chorus Girls: Theo, I'd like you to meet Mildred. 
I guess you and Hilda know each other. 

Hilda: [warmly] I should say we do! 

Theo : [coolly] Yes, we've met. 

Mildred: I'm afraid I didn't get your name. 

Theo: Dunlap, Theobald Dunlap, president and sales manager of the 
firm of Theobald and Dunlap, incorporated, manufacturers of the 
world's only intoxicating cigarette. Known to m' friends as 
Baldy, and to every jolie jeune fille from Portland, Maine to 
Seattle, Washington as Theo. My card, madame; may I sell you 
a package? 

Mildred: I haven't any money with me right now. 

Theo : All right. Perfectly all right. [Gives her a package] Any time. 

[Verse 2, and chorus 2 of "The Hero." 

Enter Mark, a burly coon. 

Verse 3, and chorus 3, of "The Hero," during which Mark 

denies that Theo is the Hero] 

Theo: Do you realize that you called me a liar? 

Mark: Yes. 

Theo: [rolling up his sleeves] In my language that means fight. 

Mark: Marse Theo, [rolling up his sleeves] am yo' worldly effects provided 

fo'? 
Theo: Girls, you'll have to go out. I can't bear the thought of your 

young and innocent eyes being witness to the scene of carnage 

that is about to take place. 
Girls: You won't hurt him, will you, Mr. Dunlap? Oh, please be careful. 

[5] 



I can't bear the sight of blood. I'm so afraid. [Theo pushes 
them out.] 

Theo: [rolling down sleeves] Did you find a horse? 

Mark: The one animal in the worl', Marse Theo. 

Theo: [anxiously] Well — er — how old is he? 

Mark: She am thirty-four. 

Theo : Good Lord, — in the prime of life ! 

Mark: Marse Theo, a hawse that has seen thirty-four summers, has 
gen'rally seen the las' ten as glue an' fertilizer. 

Theo: Then she's all right? 

Mark: It seems that her husband died of the influenza in the Spanish war, 
an' she's nursed his memory as a secret sorrow ever since. 

Theo: And everything else is fixed? 

Mark: Every las' detail. You know the bit, the thing that goes in the 
hawse's mouth over his tongue? Well, Ah've soldered a thumbtack 
on it. Ah goes drivin' with Missy Barbara; she takes the reins, 
gives 'em one pull, and — blooey! Marse Theo happens to be 
standin' near, he stops the horse, an' lo ! he am a hero. 

Theo: That ought to make a hit with Bab. But say, you know the little 
Chinese girl or whatever she is that Mrs. Dubb brought back with 
her from Atlanta. 

Mark: The lady what's gwine teach Marse Rufus the language on that 
'ere island where they're goin'? 

Theo : She looked pretty good, didn't she, when she came in? 

Mark: It was the sight o' her what induced me to put on mah one non- 
celluloid collar, that All bought when mah mother-in-law died so's 
Ah could gloat over the coffin without bein' exploded by the 
candles. 

[Enter Rufus Dubb, whistling softly, with an ethnology text-book in 
his hand. He is in the early twenties. The concentrated study of 
ethnology has not improved his physical appearance. His shoulders, 
while not deformed, are stooped. The loosely fitting clothes, the horn 
glasses, and the stray lock of hair falling over his forehead are not 
becoming. His contrast to the immaculate Theo is striking. He has 
an amiable, almost bovine, air which is irresistible. He reveals his 
emotions by modulations in the tone of an odd little tune which he 
whistles continually when not speaking.] 

Mark: Er — Marse Rufus, Marse Theo. 



6 



Theo: 

Rufe: 
Theo: 
Rufe : 
Theo: 

Mark : 



Theo: 
Mark: 

Prof. : 

Rufe: 
Theo: 
Prof. : 
Theo: 
Prof. : 



Theo: 
Prof. : 
Rufe: 
Theo: 



Prof. 



He doesn't make any difference. He isn't a human being. [A 
slight pcrnse, Rufe whistling.} 

Hello, Theo. 

How are you? [flatly]. 

I'm fine thanks. How are you? [Sits at davenport.] 

[to Mark] Look. The little Chinese girl's window faces the street. 

You yell good and loud when the horse runs away. Maybe she'll 

see the rescue. 

Yassah. 

[Enter Prof. Dubb, a short but important looking man of fifty, 
partially bald. One hand is behind his back holding the package of 
cigarettes Theo has sold.] 

And don't forget the bandages and the red ink. 

Red ink am one thing Ah can't forget, Marse Theo. Five fifteen, 

yes, sir. 

You may go, Mark. Pardon me a moment, Rufus, I wish to speak 

to Theobald. 

No offense at all. [Continues whistling.] 

Good afternoon, Professor Dubb. 

[producing the package] You sold these to one of the girls. 

Yes, sir. 

It must never happen again. [Up to this point the audience must 

think Theo is in for a bawling out for trying to corrupt the femininity 

of the house.] In this house you are my secretary, not my sales 

manager. If my wife — you know Mrs. Dubb — if she should 

discover that I owned a company manufacturing an intoxicating 

cigarette — . My son, may you never have one like mine. And as 

for your chances with Barbara — . 

[co7ivinced] Mum's the word. [Crosses his heart.} 

Mum's the word. 

G'bye, Theo. 

So long. [Exit.] 

[During the following scene Rufe takes Nuxated Iron, munches a 
cracker, whistles, picks up a pin, and puts it in his lapel.] 

I don't know what I'm going to do with your mother, Rufus. 
She took one look at that book and now she is determined to go 
to Tambelo with us. Here's the opportunity that you and I have 



7] 



been longing for for years: a chance for some really original 
research into that story about the pirate colony on the Island. 
The book we could write when we got back would be worth an 
international reputation to both of us. But there's no time to 
be lost. There's a rumor that the author of your book — Pro- 
fessor Drinkwater himself — is about to start on just such an 
expedition as ours. We've got to beat him across the Pacific. 
There's the commission. [Shores him document.] Came with the 
expense check this noon, signed by the President of the University 
and the Governor of Georgia. We could start tomorrow. Then — 
your mother decides that Tambelo Island was created so that she 
could reform it. We won't be able to start for six weeks, and 
when we do our ethnology expedition will have become a temper- 
ance society. 

PvUFE: Regrettable, isn't it? 
Prof.: It's hell. 
Rufe : Father! 

Prof. : [despairing] I guess it's all my fault for leaving the book where she 
could get it, with that story about Tambelo: bandits and booze 
and polygamy. Probably all lies — but lies or no lies, your mother 
will reform them. And when your mother will, she will. I don't 
know what I'd do with Bab. Guess I'll have to take her with us. 
[Rufe brightens.] I think I'll take Theo, too. [Rufe wilts.] 

Mrs. Dubb: [offstage] Arthur! Arthur!! 

Prof. : Rufus, your mother is calling. Will you come with me? 
[Exit Professor. Enters Hilda detaining Rufe.] 

Hilda: [obviously all upset; very sisterly to Rufe] Please, Rufe dear, just a 
minute. 

Rufe: I'm sorry, Hilda, but father needs me. 

Hilda: Oh, that's all right. I asked Mrs. Dubb to call off the Professor 
so I could talk to you. I've simply got to talk to you. [Almost in 
tears] Rufe, I just can't stand it any longer. I — [snitf] I — 
[sniff] — oh! [Sobs in handkerchief.] 

Rufe: Hilda, Hilda, please don't cry. 

Hilda: [holds up a minute] Rufe — Rufe, you dear, I knew you'd sym- 
pathize with me. Bless you — [Sobs, her head on his shoulder.] 

Rufe: [agonized] Don't cry, Hilda! Do anything, go as far as you like, 
but don't cry. 

Hilda: [in a grand old cry] I knew it. I knew you'd sympathize with me! 



Rife: Yes, yes. Let's sit down. [She clings.] 

Hilda: Oh, comfort me, Rufe, comfort me. [He pats her furiously.] 

You're so good. I knew you'd sympathize with me. 
Rife: Hilda, you know I'd like to. But how can I? You haven't told 

me what the trouble is. 
Hilda: Well, [drying up] I'll tell you. You know I — oh, Rufe! [About 

to weep.] 
Rufe: [frantically] Yes, Hilda, yes. I know. I know everything. 
Hilda: [wild-eyed] You do! 

Ri'fe : Well, almost everything. Go on, tell me. 
Hilda: You know, I like Theo — very much. 
Rufe: Yes, I know. But now that we're all quiet, and seeing that you 

like Theo — very much, don't you think it would be better if we 

weren't so — er — constrained in point of space? You see what 

I mean? 
Hilda: [raises head one and a half inches from his shoulder] Why, Rufe, 

what's the matter? 
Rufe: Nothing's the matter, but don't you see that — ? [Shrugs his 

shoulder.] 
Hilda: I see that my head's on your shoulder. But what of that? 
Rufe: Well — you're no relation of mine. You're just a friend of Bab's, 

and — well, I'm a man, you know. 
Hilda: [reassured] Oh, Rufe, nobody ever thinks of you in that way. 

[Rufe jumps to his feet.] Good Lord, Rufe, what's the matter? 
Rufe : Nothing — nothing. I just — er — thought I found a tack in 

the davenport. You don't mind? 
Hilda: No. Now please, Rufe, listen. [He sits.] I love Theo, you don't 

know how much ! 
Rufe: Yes I do; just the way I love Bab. 
Hilda: No, its more than that. 
Rufe: It isn't. 
Hilda: It is. 
Rufe: It isn't. 
Hilda: It is. 

Rufe: It i — well, all right, go on. 
Hilda: Well, look ■ — I mean, listen. I love Theo, but Theo, while he 

loves me, see ms to love eAery other girl he sees — you know, both 

abstractly and concretely, as you might say. 



Rufe : I've heard of it. 

Hilda: [starts haltingly, but once in motion, flows like Niagara] Just now, 
Theo is crazy about your father's ward — about Bab. I know 
you like Bab and you don't like to see that going on any better 
than I do. You do like Bab, don't you? 

Rufe: Oh, I love her devotedly. How couldn't I? She's my father's 
ward isn't she? Did you ever hear of a son who didn't love his 
father's ward? No, neither did I. There you are — you don't 
expect me to do anything different, do you? Then I love her — 
devotedly. 

Hilda: And Bab likes you, Rufe. She likes you a lot. Of course, she 
realizes that — She knows you and she understands that — [in 
a flood]. Well, we all have our peculiarities, you know. But she 
really likes you. Rufe, I want you to propose to Bab today. [Rufe 
is about to die.] Oh, don't take it like that, Rufe, please. Look, 
I'll tell you why. It's for you and for me both. Theo and Bab — 
1 know that this is true — they had a little tiff yesterday. They 
aren't very good friends today, so now's our chance. You know 
Theo's just a hound for sympathy, and if you should get Bab away 
from him today, I think he'd come straight to me — I know he 
would. And I'd have Theo and you'd have Bab and we could 
have a double wedding and — oh GEE ! 

Rufe: [minor obligate to Hildas crescendo] Hilda — I wish I could help 
you, but — I haven't any hopes about Bab. She likes horses — 
I don't ride. She likes tennis and golf — I don't play. She likes 
music — I never took a lesson in my life. When I ought to have 
been learning to do those things I was being brought up by my 
mother in an African jungle in communion with the flamingoes 
and the baboons. But look at Theo. He can ride, play tennis, 
sing Bab pretty songs, and grow a mustache. Where are my 
chances? I took Bab canoeing on the lake one night, and sang 
"Annie Laurie" to her, and — (opens his vest and places Hilda's 
finger on one of his ribs] Feel that dent? 

Hilda: Oo! 

Rufe: An old darkie was out hunting for loons and he shot at me. 
That's how I sing. And I only have to shave twice a week. I 
do everything I can. I take this by the case [showing Nuxated 
Iron]. I rub myself raw with Sloan's liniment. I read " Power of 
Will." But it's no use — no use. 

Hilda: I guess you're right, it's no use. 



10 



Song : 

Rufe: 
Hilda : 



Rufe : 
Hilda : 



Theo: 



Hilda : 



Mark: 



Rufe: 



Bab: 
Theo: 

Mark: 



" Out o' Luck." 

[A crash is heard off stage, a horse's neigh, galloping hoofs, a woman's 
scream, Mark's voice: " Whoa there, where yo' all goin'f Save us, 
save vs."} 

[at window, left] Look; he's running away! And Bab's there, 

driving! [He throws open the door and rushes out.] 

Oh, Rufe! Rufe, look. There's Theo. [A crash off stage.] 

— oh! Look, he's saved Bab. He's saved Bab! [Cheers of 
stage. Rufe and Hilda re-enter left and right] Theo has — [she 
realizes ichat it means] — saved — Bab. 

[Hilda silently lays her head on Rufe's shoulder. Gently he pats 
her hair.] 

It's all over. 

[holding back the tears] All — over. 

[More cheers. Enter Bab through French window left supported by 
Mark. Theo follows, bowing to the crowd off stage. Bab is de- 
cidedly pretty, but rather insipidly so.] 

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Nothing at all, 

1 assure you. 

[Mark, Rufe and Hilda bring Bab down front to davenport. Theo 

arranges his clothes in artistic disarray.] 

Oh, Bab, Bab dear. You're not hurt, are you? I just knew that 
old horse was no good. Do you feel faint? I wish I knew some- 
thing I could do for you. There now, sit down. Are you all 
right? 

There, there, Missy Barbara. You jes' lean right on me. Every- 
thing's all right — allright. You jes' sit down an' be quiet. 
Everything's all right. [Theo kicks Mark. They retire right 
front to make a wounded hero of Theo with bandages and red ink.] 
Bab, try some of this [offering Nuxated Iron}. I think it would 
do you good. And these crackers help to take the taste out of 
your mouth. [He pins up a bit of her dress that was torn with a pin 
from his lapel] Lucky I carry pins, isn't it? 
Thank you, Rufe. 

[to M\rk] Come on, come on. Hurry up. Put more ink on it 
there and let it soak through. 

Yo' all won't forget, will ya, Marse Theo, that there's twen'y 
dolluhs comin' to me for this here job? 



11 



Theo: Twenty dollars! Twenty dollars !! — Well, we'll talk that over 
later after we see how good a story you can tell. If you want your 
money, make it good. 

[Mbs. Dubb, a "well-built," overbearing woman of forty-five, appears 
from stairs followed by Professor. Half way across stage she stops.] 

Mrs.: My smelling salts; I've forgotten them. Arthur, get my smelling 
salts. 

Prof. : But, my dear, I — 

Mrs.: Arthur! 

Prof. : All right, my dear. [Exit upstairs.] 

Mrs. : [Rtjfe is just administering another dose of Nuxated Iron.] Rufus, 
if you will stand aside and let someone in there who can do some- 
thing — and don't try giving Barbara any of that poison. One 
chronic dope fiend is enough in this family. 

Rufe: But I don't want to take this stuff; it's you that make me. 

Mrs. : Rufus, do you realize that there wasn't a single word of more than 
one syllable in that entire sentence. All right — talk like a six- 
year-old, and what with the way you look and the way you act, the 
truant officer will get you yet. Don't stand there gawping at me 
with your mouth open. Will you move? 

Rufe : Yes. 

Mrs. : Now Barbara, are you all right? 

Bab: Yes, Aunty, I'm perfectly all right. I was just shaken up a little. 
But I owe an awful lot to Theo. I guess he saved my life. 

Mrs.: Now I want to hear all about it, every last detail. 

[Theo pushes Mark for ward.] 

Mark: Ah'll tell yo' all about it. Y' see, Missy Bab wanted to try out 
the new hawse. So Ah hitched him up with a bran' new bit Ah'd 
jus' made, an' we started out. Missy Bab wanted to drive, so 
she took the reins and said " Giddap," and gave 'em a little pull, 
and the hawse jumped — mah Lord, you'd a thought he'd had 
something stuck into him — ■ an' he ran — across the cartracks an' 
up the hill on one side an' down the hill on the other. An' there 
was Marse Theo standin' there jes' like he was waitin' for us — . 
An' like the hero he is, he ran right out and he grabbed that hawse, 
an' he says, "Whoa there, you son of a gun." — jes' like that. 
An' the horse stopped jes' as the wheel busted against the curb 
stone, an' we all was saved. Missy Bab, yo' sho' was saved by a 

r 12 1 



brave man — a brave man. [Mark turns his back on the group 

about the davenport, falls on his knees, raises his eyes to heaven, and 

prays.] 
Hilda: [to Rufc] I guess we didn't see it very well, but still we seemed to, 

didn't we? 
Mrs.: [moved] Theobald, come here and let me kiss you. You are a 

worthy man. 

[Theo discloses a bandaged arm dripping blood. Prof, enters 
and tries to prevent Mrs. from seeing it. Hilda and Bab see it and 
scream. Mrs. Dubb sees it and faints with a gasp into Prof.'s 
arms. They place her on the davenport. Mark prays.] 

Prof. : I knew it. She can't stand the sight of blood. 

Rufe: Mark, Mark, what's the matter? You're saved. You don't 

need to pray. 
Mark: Mali body am saved, Marse Rufe, but mah soul am lost fo'ever. 

The lies Ah — 
Theo: Well, get up now and help with Mrs. Dubb, don't you see she's 

fainted? 
Mark: All right, Marse Theo. May your soul rest in peace. [Mark, 

Prof, and Hilda carry off Mrs. Dubb.] 
Bab: Can I help? 
Prof.: No, dear. We'll take her to her room. She'll be all right in a 

few moments. 

[Exeunt right. The dull boom of a cannon is heard off stage.] 
Theo: [to Rufe] The sunset gun. Don't you think you'd better dress? 
Rufe: Sunset gun? [Looks at his watch. The cannon booms again.] 
Theo: Oh, no, alarm gun of the federal prison. Two convicts escaping 

in one day. That's what a Democratic administration will do 

for you. 
Bab: Remember, Theo, you're south of the Mason-Dixon line. 
Theo: [peremptorily] Well, sunset or no sunset, don't you think you'd 

better dress? 
Rufe: All right. [Is about to go.] But I want to congratulate you, Theo, 

on a fine deed. I suppose I might as well say good-bye to Bab 

now after that. You know how I liked you, Bab, and — well, 

good-bye. I'll leave the hero and the heroine alone. 
Bab: It really isn't settled yet, you know, but — [as humanely as possible] 

good-bye, Rufe. You're a nice boy, but you never were made to 

be just like other men. 

[131 



Theo: 



Rufe: 




Theo: 



Bab: 
Rufe : 

Mrs.: 
Bab: 



Mrs.: 
Rufe : 

Bab: 



So long, Rufus. Buy up a couple more cases of Nuxated Iron, 
and maybe you'll stop a horse yet some day. 

Theo, that isn't kind of you to say that to me. And it wasn't 

very nice of you either, Barbara. Both of you know that I'm 

not the one to blame if I am a little queer. You know how my 

mother kept me shut up in a cabin with "Pilgrim's Progress" and 

my father's Ethnology text-books while she was a missionary, 

and when she did let me out, never let me see a human being until 

— until I was as much worse than I am now as you can imagine. 

I wish you wouldn't say those things. 

[disgusted] Good Lord! 

Oh, Rufe. 

I'm hurt, that's what I am, hurt — and I think it's unkind of you 

to say the things you do. I hear them, every one of them, and I 

understand them and I remember them and I — [suddenly catches 

himself] Why would I act like that? It's ridiculous. — I know why 

I do! • I act like that hecause [to Theo] you expect me to and Bab 

expects me to and my mother and father expect me to. I'm no 

good because I'm expected to be no good. There never was a 

person I knew who believed there was anything worth while in me. 

But some day I'll find someone who'll believe there's more to me 

than horn glasses and stooped shoulders. And when I do, the rest 

of you look out! That's all I say. Look out! Something's 

going to happen ! 

Rufe, old boy 3 you ought to go on the stage with that. It's a 

scream. What a one! You've had an overdose of Nuxated Iron, 

I can see that. 

Theo, don't, please. 

[wilted] Oh, never mind, Bab, I guess you're right. I never was 

made to be like other men. 

[off stage] Rufus ! 

I think your mother wants you to meet the little Chinese girl 

she's engaged to teach you the language they speak in Tambelo. 

She doesn't look very Chinese, but she's awfully nice. I hope 

you'll like her. 

[off stage] Rufus, I'm calling you. 

Thanks, Bab. All right, Mother, I'm coming. [Picks up a pin 

on his way to the door, and goes out.] 

You know, Theo, if Rufe could wear a skirt and shirt-waist, I 

think he's got the makings of a tom-boy. 



14 



Theo: 



Bab: 



Theo: 

Bab: 

Song: 

Rufe : 

Tai: 
Rufe : 

Tai: 

Rufe: 

Tai: 

Rufe: 



Tai: 
Rufe: 

Tai: 

Rufe : 

Tai: 

Rufe: 

Tai: 

Rufe: 

Tap. 



Bab, did you hear what the Professor said at lunch? We're going 

to Tambelo — there where the palm trees grow and the nights are 

balmy and the moon is full. We'll be sitting upon the shore while 

the mosquitoes feed upon our ankles — 

Yes, "we"! But what about the balmy nights when we aren't 

there? I can't trust you out of my sight with mere American girls. 

What will I do among the dusky beauties on an isle in the China 

Sea. 

I'll admit I used to be a bit, er — general, emotionally speaking; 

but now you know I've reformed. 

Reformed ! For the fifteen minutes you're talking to me. 

"Bad Boy." [Exeunt.] 

[Enter Rufe and Tai Lo front stairs. Tai is twenty years old, a 
brunette, and possessed of a poise in advance of her years.] 
[he whistles confusedly] I suppose I oughtn't to whistle. Mother 
doesn't like it. She says it makes my Adam's apple too big. 
I don't think so. 

Father likes it, though. He thinks my Adam's apple is so mascu- 
line. His isn't very big, you see. 
It's very nice indeed. [Rufe whistles.] 

You won't mind if I don't use long words when I talk to you? 
Why, it doesn't make any difference. 

I'm glad of that. You see, Father and Mother say that I seem to 
be on the border-line between being a genius and a defective, and 
if I use long words I may be able to fool people pretty well. So 
before I was twenty-one they made me learn two long words every 
day until I talked like a geology text-book. Bab says it doesn't 
make any difference; I look foolish anyway. 
Bab? 

Yes, you met her. She's my sister — that is, my cous — or 
rather, my father's ward. 
Well, I think she's a prune to say that. 
She's a — ? 

A prune. Prune! Black thing with wrinkles on it. 
You know, you don't talk like a Chink. 
Do you think I am one? 
I guess I didn't catch your name. 
Fuan-shi-may a-kahi-Tai-Lo . 



[15] 



Rufe: Yes, that was it. 

Tai: Known as Tai Lo. 

Rufe: Tai Lo — even that isn't Irish. 

Tai: I thought you knew about Tambelo. There are two kinds of 

people there, the Chinese and — 
Rufe: Good Lord! You aren't a pirate's daughter, are you? 
Tai: I'm not quite as bad as that. I'm a descendant of Captain Kidd, 

I admit, but my father was the King of Tambelo and perfectly 

respectable. 
Rufe: Then you're a princess! 
Tai: I was a princess; but my family went out of style in Tambelo 

before I was old enough to enjoy the social advantages. There 

was a revolution. They only exiled me; they killed my mother 

and father. 
Rufe: I'm glad of that. 
Tai: You're glad that — ? 
Rufe: That it was your father they killed, — I mean that they exiled 

you — that is, that they didn't kill you. [Tai wipes away a tear. 

Rufe whistles- comfortingly.] 

Tai: You're interested in music, aren't you? 

Rufe: Mother says I should be. [Continues ivhistling.] 

Tai: [She has discovered the chest.] Does that old chest belong to you? 

Rufe: Oh, yes — my father's respectable, too. 

Tai: I mean, where did you get it? 

Rufe: You ought to recognize that. It came from Tambelo. A mis- 
sionary friend of father's sent it to us when he heard that we were 
going to do this research work. 

Tai: I thought it looked- — why no, it can't look familiar. I left there 
when I was only three years old, and I can't remember back that 
far. 

Rufe: There's a story that it belonged to Captain Kidd when he was king 
of Tambelo. 

Tai: [as if in a trance] If you look in the crimson sash in the bottom of 

the chest, you will find a silver flagon. 
Rufe: How do you know? 

Tai: [puzzled] I can't tell; but I do. I'm sure of it. I know it. Look 
and see. [Rufe hauls out a bunch of old pirate costumes and finds 
the flagon.] 

[161 



Rufe: Why, you're a wonder. [Shakes it.] There's something in it. 
[Opens it and smells.] It's horrible stuff. Let's throw it away. 

Tai: [again spellbound, facing the audience, back to chest] No! Put it 
back — just as you found it. [Rufe puts it back; closes cover.] 
You must put the costumes back as they were; the one with the 
sash and the flagon at the bottom. [Rufe puts it there.] ' 

Rufe : How did you know what I was doing? You weren't watching me. 
And why did those things have to be put back in order? 

Tai: / didn't say anything to you. I don't care whether you put them 
back or not. 

Rufe: You didn't say anthing? — Why, I was standing here and I had 
this costume in my hand [Picks one out of the chest]. You were 
standing over there and you weren't even looking at me but you 
said — 

[Enter Prof, and Mrs. Dubb arguing, and Mark and Theo 
arguing.] 

Mrs. Dubb: [stops her tirade short.] Rufus, I shall be thankful when I 
can tell my friends that my son no longer finds his most strenuous 
sport in playing pirate. 

[Rufus and Tai sit on the old chest talking in pantomime.] 

Mrs.: There is no use arguing, Arthur; I am going to take the big trunk. 

It's the only one that's long enough. 
Prof. : Long enough for what? Between a decollete down to your waist 

and — [he looks cd the length of her skirts] — my dear! 
Mrs. : Arthur, I am told that as a boy you were quite witty — but you 

have lost it with your hair. / am taking the big trunk because it 

is the only one long enough for my pink parasol, and [He is about 

to protest] I am going to take that. My complexion would be utterly 

ruined — [continues in pantomime.] 
Rufe: That sounds like the jungle I was raised in. 
Tai: Only we have running water and revolutions and all the modern 

improvements on Tambelo. 
Rufe: But won't you be afraid to go back there after you were exiled? 
Tai: They'd never recognize me now. I'll just change my name. 

[Continue in pantomime.] 

[Mark and Theo have been arguing in pantomime down stage right.] 

Mark: [Theo can't quiet him] Twen'y dolluhs was mah price — an' 
twen'y dolluhs it re-mains. 



[17 



Theo: 
Mark: 



Theo: 

Mark: 

Theo: 

TaI: 

Mark: 

Rufe: 

Theo: 

Mark: 

Theo: 

Mark: 

Theo: 

Mark: 

Theo: 

Mrs.: 

Mark: 

Theo: 
Prof. : 
Mark: 



Mrs.: 



Rufe: 



Now, listen — listen to reason. Five to the owner of the horse 

and five to yon. What could be fairer? 

Twen'y dolluhs an' here's mah bill: Fo' findin' the hawse in this 

yeah state which was nearest dead while yet livin' — $10. Fo' 

bribin' the owner of said hawse to risk the life of his animal by 

runnin' him fifty yards — $5. Fo' labor of startin' said hawse an' 

keepin' said hawse in motion fo' fifty yards — $5. Fo' perjurin' 

my soul by tellin' Missy Bab she was saved by a brave man — • no 

man can pay. Them's mah terms. 

Can't do it. 

Twen'y dolluhs. 

Ten dollars. 

[to Rufe, not hearing Theo] Oh, is that all? 

Twen'y dolluhs. 

[to Tai] I call it altogether too much. 

Fifteen dollars. 

Twen'y dolluhs. 

Seventeen . 

Twen'y. 

Eighteen. 

[crescendo] Twen'y. 

Nineteen. 

Theobald, if you own that much money, decorum dictates that you 

should keep it to yourself. What are you talking about? 

Marse Theo was just agreein' wid me that peace o' mind was worth 

twen'y dolluhs. Didn' you say twen'y dolluhs, Marse Theo? 

Twenty dollars. 

Twenty dollars is cheap, my boy, cheap. 

Ah admires yo' judgment, Marse Theo. W T e agree. [Theo 

gestures as if to knife Mark. Mark answers an imaginary call off 

stage.] Ah's comin', suh, All's comin'. Ah's on mah way — 

expeditiously. [Exit left.] 

Theobald, dinner is being served in [looks at watch] eighteen minutes. 

Your garb is picturesque but hardly appropriate. Rufus — you 

now have but seventeen and a half minutes to dress. Come 

Arthur, I want that trunk brought downstairs. [Exeunt right.] 

[Although he and Tai were quite chummy while the others were 

around, the fact that they are alone chills the party.] We're alone 

again, aren't we? 

r is l 



Tai: Yes. [Rufe whistles.] Er — don't you think you ought to dress 

for dinner as your mother says? [Rufe shakes his head, smiles, 

and goes on whistling. He draws the davenport up to front stage. 

Tai sits, then Rufe. She didn't want him to go.] 
Rufe: Well, as we were saying — we were saying that — [whistles]. 

I wonder if — [whistles] — ■ Would you be willing to — [whistles]! 
Tai: Er — are there any words to that song you whistle — so well? 
Rufe: Yes, there's some good words. I'll get Theo to sing them for you 

some time. 
Tai: Don't you know them? 

Rufe: Oh yes, I know them, but I can't sing. Theo can though. 
Tai: I'd like to hear you. 
Rufe: But I can't sing. 
Tai: I'll bet you could do a lot of things if you thought you could. I 

think you can. 
Rufe: You think so? You know I said that some day I'd find — well, 

never mind what I said. 
Tai: Please sing it? 
Rufe: All right. But there's no sense to it. It's crazy. I wouldn't 

have mother hear me for worlds. 

[Sings] " All the little lovin' that I had from you, 

It's all gone past. . 
Sentimental talkin' that we had when we were walkin', 

It's all gone past. 
Never no more, my honey. Never no more, 

Spoonin' in the dark. 
'Cause all the little lovin' that I had from you, 

It's all gone past. 
Another good man gone wrong!" 

Foolish thing, isn't it? 

Tai: Silliest thing I ever heard. [She laughs, he laughs. It becomes 

contagious, and they both laugh.] 
Rufe: [At end of his laugh] Oh, golly. 
Tai: [At end of her laugh] Gee, whiz. 
Rufe: [The scene has now warmed up] You know, I think yon and I are 

going to get along great. 
Tai: [sincerely] I hope so — and I 'm sure we will. 
Rife: So am I! 

[191 



Tai: [breaking the tension again] But, after all, your mother is paying me 
to teach you the Tambelan language, and since we'll be on the 
island so soon don't you think we ought to begin? 

Rufe : Are there many long words in it? 

Tai: Naturally there are some. 

Rufe: Well, don't teach me any. You know my mother. I'm listening, 
teacher. 

Tai: [a pause] I never did this before. I don't know where to begin. 

Rufe: Parlez-vous francais? 

Tai: Beg pardon. 

Rufe: You don't speak French, do you? 

Tai: No — but — 

Rufe: But I'll bet you know some French words. 

Tai: Only a few. 

Rufe: What are they? 

Tai: [reciting] Je t'aime. M'aimes-tu? Oui. 

Rufe: I knew it. Sprechen Sie Deutsch? 

Tai: A few words. 

Rufe: Well? 

Tai: Ich liebe dich. Liebst du mich? Ja. 

Rufe: Now teach me. 

Tai: Well, it's rather hard. You see our language is only a dialect and 
is never written, so there are lots of expressions that have more 
than one meaning. For instance, Kah-i-wee means I like you and 
do you like me? and I love you and do you love me? 

Rufe: I should think that it would be awkward. 

Tai: Oh, no. You see, you can say : Kah-i-wee, [/ like you] or Kah-i- 
wee? [Do you like me?] or Kah-i-wee! [/ love you!] or Kah-i- 
wee?! [Do you love me?] You never make a mistake. 

Rufe: Kah-i-wee. Kah-i-wee? [Half way between.] 

Tai: Kah-i-wee! 

Song: "Kah-i-wee." Dance by Tai and Rufe. 

[On the encore of the dance, the rest of the family, dressed for dinner, 
appear from the stairs, led by Prof, and Mrs. Toward the end of 
their dance, Rufe catches sight of his mother glaring at him, and as 
the dance ends he and Tai sneak into the dining-room, arm in arm. 
The others follow. 



20 



Enter Steve and Bill followed by two cops. Dance. Steve and 
Bill evade the cops, who exeunt. Crash of crockery off stage. Bill 
tiptoes to entrance, left. Both men are in full convict regalia.] 

Bill: [Stage whisper] Steve — they're eating dinner. 

Steve: [donning a stolen suit of clothes] Good night! No necktie. 

Bill: No necktie! Look at me. 

Steve : One of us has got to stay here and stall off the family, Bill. I've 

got to have a necktie. 
Bill: Use your belt. 
Steve: [holding his trousers] But my — 
Bill: Then use my belt. [Gives it to him.] And don't you gum this deal. 

Who are you now in that rig? 
Steve: [spying book] Oh, simple. [Looking at title jjagc.] I am Wilfred 

Isidor Drinkwater, professor of Ethnology, University of Oregon. 

Ethnology — Bill, what is Ethnology? 
Bill: Ethnology? 

Steve: Sure. Didn't you learn what ethnology was down at Yale? 
Bill: Did you learn what ethnology was down at Yale? Did you learn 

anything down at Yale? 
Steve: Well — did you? 
Bill: I can tell you some good stories. 
Song: " Down at Yale." 

[Exit Bill right. Enter Rufe and Ta'i. Rufe whistles softly.] 
Tai: — and every night the market-place is lit up with cute little 

lanterns, and the — [She sees Steve. Rufe follows her eyes and 

stops whistling.] 
Steve: [He has found the book-plate] Pardon me, young man, you look as if 

you might be Mr. Rufus Dubb, assistant professor of ethnology at 

the University. 

Rufe: Yes, I've been told that before. 

Steve: [breezily, to Tai Lo] Now, isn't that fine? 

Tai: Yes — yes, indeed. 

Steve: I have heard of your work, young man, and as a colleague, wish to 

congratulate you. [I'igorous handshake.] 
Rufe: Thank you, sir. But, er — 
Steve: You'd like to know who I am. Well, young man, I am — I am, 

[He has forgotten] the author of this book, [opens to title page] as 

you see, Professor William Isidor Drinkwater. 

[211 



Rufe: I'm very pleased, sir. [Vigorous handshake.] Meet my tutor. 

[Another.] But — doesn't it say here, Wilfred Isidor Drinkwater? 
Steve: [scrutinizing the page] Well, so it does! Young man, you've done 

me a priceless service [handshake]. A misprint in my book. I'll 

sue the publisher. 
Tai: It isn't as bad as that, is it? 
Steve: All right, I won't sue him then. 
Rufe: If you could wait just a moment, Professor Drinkwater, I'm sure 

my father would like to meet you. [Goes out.] 
Steve: Certainly — delighted. [To Tai] His father? 
Ta'i: Yes, Professor Dubb, the famous ethnologist. Haven't you heard 

of him? 
Steve : Dubb? Oh, certainly. Household word with me. Just wondered 

if he was the one. 
Tai: Yes, Rufus has only one father. 

[Enter Prof., Rufe, Mrs., Bab, and Theo.] 
Prof. This is indeed an honor, Professor Drinkwater. 
Steve: Not at all, Professor Dubb. A great convenience I assure you. 

[Handshake. Rufe and Tai sneak off.] 
Prof.: My wife, Professor Drinkwater. 
Mrs.: [handshake] Oh, Professor Drinkwater, I'm so glad to meet you. 

I was so much interested in your book, particularly the passage 

about that immoral Tambelo Island and those horrid bandits who 

have control over it. I am going there with my husband to try 

to remedy the conditions. Now you and I are going to have a 

nice long talk about it and [to others] the sooner, the better. 

[The others start to leave.] 

Steve: Don't go, please. It's one of my principles that I never talk busi- 
ness immediately after dinner. My eyes are a bit weak and [All 
bvt Steve are back to the stairs. He faces them. Bill appears 
then' in girl's clothes. Bill motions he will enter by front door and 
goes upstairs. Steve almost collapses.] 

Prof.: Is anything the matter, Professor? 

Mrs.: Dear Professor, do try my smelling salts. 

Steve: Perfectly all right, thank you. As you see, I have a tendency to 
a weak heart. As I was saying, I and — my daughter were going 
by, er — ■ going by, er — going by — that is — 
[A knock at the front door.] 



Bill: {off stage, falsetto] Father. 

Steve: Ah, there she is now. Come in, my dear. [Enter Bill.] I'd like 

you to meet Professor Duhb and his family. 
Bill: {curtseying] Pleased to meet you. 

Mrs. : I think you have excellent taste in clothes, Professor Drinkwater. 

Your daughter dresses just as Barbara used to at her age. 
Bab: Come here, dear. I think you're just a little darling. [She sits on 

davenport] Come sit in my lap. [Bill does.] 
Prof.: Well, you were telling us, Professor — 
Steve: Oh, yes, we were going by, and — 
Bill: [to Bab] We were in a party of four. 

Steve: Yes, a party of four, but we strayed away from the others. We 
had walked over from our place, up the line a way. 

Prof. : So you have a house here. I had hoped you could stay with us 

a while. 
Bill: I'm very much in favor of — 

Steve: No, no, Professor. I'm very sorry, but we're leaving the country 

right away. 
Prof.: Then it's true. [Bill jumps to his feet. Steve turns as if to run.] 
Bill: Oh, my God! 
Steve: What's true? 

Prof. : — that you are also going on an expedition to Tambelo. [Bill 

returns.] I'd heard rumors of it. 
Steve: So that's got out, too. But then, I shouldn't be surprised. 

There's been so many things getting out lately. Yes — we're 

leaving at once. 
Prof. : Well, even though we are rivals in a sense, I should think we might 

combine forces. I don't know when my wife will be ready. She's 

rather slow about such things, but — ■ 
Mrs.: {piqued] I could leave tomorrow morning! 

Steve: Tomorrow morning would be the last possible hour I could leave. 
If you could go at that time, Professor Dubb, I should be very 
happy to have your distinguished aid. 

Prof. : Gwendolyn, can it be done? 

Mrs. : / said it could, and I don't lie. 

Bill: [to Bab] Gee, that's a kick in the teeth, ain't it? 

Prof. : All right, Professor, our party will start tomorrow. 



23 



Bill: 

Steve : 
Mrs.: 
Prof. : 

Bill: 



Prof. : 
Steve : 



Prof. : 
Bill: 

Song: 



[laying his head against Bab's] Nothing could be sweeter. [Steve 

starts to rifle the crowd.} 

We may stay here for the night, Professor? 

Why, certainly, dear Professor. 

But won't you have to go back to your house and lock up? [Bill 

and Steve jump at " lock."] 

Oh, no, we have a good man back there who always keeps the 

place locked and never let's anyone — er, anything get away — 

much. 

And your financial supplies are all right? 

[collecting watches and stick pins] Oh, yes; yes, indeed — that is, 

we'll have plenty of money by the time we get to Frisco — or 

before. Of course, we'll have to call on our broker there. 

Then it's all settled. Tomorrow we're off for the China Sea. 

Yea-bo ! 

"Isle in the China Sea." 



Curtain 



24 



ACT II 

SCENE I 

[Music plays all through this scene — special music if possible — no 
word is spoken. The pantomime should be fast.} 

Curtain rises on the same room as Act I in almost complete darkness. 
Once the illusion of darkness given, the lights may be raised sufficiently for 
clearness. A gong strikes el even. Enter Mark from dining-room shaking a 
cocktail shaker. He tastes the contents, doesn't like if, and goes back for more 
stuff. Enter Theo in pajamas and bathrobe, with a large carton marked, 
" The World's Only Intoxicating Cigarette, Theobald & Dunlap, Inc.," a ledger, 
a candle, and a roll of bills. He sits at table, lights the candle, opens the ledger, 
lays down the roll of bills, puts carton on the floor, ami starts figuring. Enter 
Mark with shaker, doing a cahewalk. Theo ducks under table, then, seeing 
it is Mark, proceeds to bawl him out. Mark threatens to tell about the horse 
episode unless Theo shuts up. So they both take a drink. 

Steve and Bill have entered on tiptoe during this scene. Steve continues 
into the dining-room for the family silver, while Bill stays and overhears about 
the horse. The ray of a flashlight is seen coming down the stairs. Exit Mark. 
Bill ducks behind a curtain, and Theo under the table, snuffing the candle. 
Enter Rufe, takes a dose of Xuxated Iron from the bottle on the table, replaces 
the bottle, picks a pin u}> off the floor, sticks it in his lapel, and goes into the 
kitchen for some crackers. Bill thinks he is safe, so comes out just as Steve 
comes from the dining-room with an armful of silver. Bill starts to take some, 
when Theo co)ues up from under the table with a bump. Steve grabs most of 
the silver, but Bill still retains a half-dozen forks. Bill tries to vamp Theo 
into letting him back to his room, but only succeeds in arousing Theo's sus- 
picion. After chasing each other coyly about the stage for a minute or two, 
during which Bill drops the forks one at a time, Theo catches Bill. He 
discovers Bill's beard, then pulls his wig nearly off, and deduces his sex thereby. 
During this scene Steve sneaks back upstairs. Theo is going to tell, but Bill 
also knows about the horse, so they also both take a drink and agree that Mains 
the word. Rufe's flashlight appears from the kitchen. Bill exits upstairs; 
Theo ducks under the table. Rufe: returns eating crackers, picks up a fork 
as he had the pin, sticks it in his lapel absent-mindedly, and exits. Enter 
Prof. Dubb in an old-fashioned nightshirt from upstairs. Prof, steps on a 
fork, curses, then, after failing to find Theo, whistles as a signal. Theo 
emerges and they go over their accounts. Enter Mrs. Dubb in red flannel 
nightshirt and her hair in curl papers. She is not noticed at first. Theo 
spies her and both jump up and start to explain. But it is unnecessary; she is 
walking in her sleep. They sit her down in an armchair, finish their accounts, 



and exit. Enter Bill, Ms face all lather, and a razor in his hand, looking for a 
mirror at which to shave. He spies Mrs. Dubb, jumps behind a curtain, then 
seeing that nothing happens he approaches. He listens to her heart, gets lather 
on her dress, wipes it off, and satisfied, starts shading at the mirror by Theo's 
candle. As Mrs. Dubb rises and wanders off upstairs 

The Curtain falls to rise with a brief interlude on 

SCENE 2 

Song: The gong strikes twelve. Ta'i Lo is discovered center stage front 
kneeling before a luminous crystal globe. She sings the first verse of 
her song. On the chorus "Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep" is 
heard in obligato from the direction of the sea chest. On the second 
verse six pirates' ghosts and the ghost of Captain Kidd emerge from 
the chest. Capt. Kidd places himself behind Ta'i, the pirates in a 
semicircle about them. Second chorus with Tai singing her song and 
the pirates the obligato. Tai bends lower over the globe as if searching 
for her answer — 

Ta'i: I wonder. 

Capt.K.: [touching her shoulder] Wonder no more, Ta'i Lo; by the great 
mains '1 I will give you your answer! 

Tai: Who are you? 

Capt.K.: Who am I? [Laughing noisily and slapping his thigh.] Creak- 
ing halyards! For such ignorance many a lubber has tipped the 
plank when good ships bit the wind. Who am I, m' hearties? 

Hearties: [in chorus] He's Captain Kidd of the great high seas, 

He cuts his way and he weighs where he please; 
For breakfast he eats H-0 and rum, 
He's a pirate bold and a high-sea bum. 

Ta'i: Then — why you're the ghost of my ancestor. You're the voice 
form the sea! 

Capt.K. : Right you are as a fair wind and an open ocean. But do not 
fear me, little lass. My voyage here is one of peace. I hoisted 
the skull and cross-bones for the last time when I came up from 
Davy Jones' locker some fifteen years ago. 

Tai: Fifteen years ago! That is when my father was killed and I 
exiled from Tambelo Island. 

( apt.K. : Aye! The one time ( 'aptain Kidd ever touched port too late for 
a fight! But if I didn't save the king, your father, at least I 
scuttled his murderer's sloop. How did we do it, m' hearties? 

I 26 1 



Hearties: [in chorus] We climbed aboard in the dead of night; 

Then we dragged him down on our ghost ship white; 
We made him dance on the moonlit deck, 
[deep and solemn] And he walked the plank with a stone round his neck. 

Tai: But what is your purpose in coming this time? 

Capt.K. : [impressively] I have come for you. 

Tai: [with a little start] Oh! am I to walk the plank, too? 

Capt.K. : No, lass, you are to live long and rule Tambelo Island — my 
island — with your skipper at your side. But first — 

Tai: [interested immediately] My skipper? Will he be very tall, have 
an Adam's apple, and whistle a lot? 

Capt.K.: [ignoring this] But. first you must obey my orders. This is my 
last voyage to earth, and you must not fail me now. I have 
steered the course of your life for ten years through stormy seas; 
and now, Princess, last of my race, you must take your own helm. 
Go to Tambelo, win back the kingdom of your people, and let my 
blood rule once more in the land of Captain Kidd. 

Tai: Sir, I am afraid I cannot do it alone. You said — a skipper — ! 

Capt.K.: [smilingly chucking her under the chin] Aye, woman the world 
over! A skipper you shall have, lassie — but there never was a 
man since Drake met Davy Jones, who could weather the seas 
alone that lie below the horizon for you. So I am giving you this 
vial that holds the last drops of water from the spring of life; and 
by the Great Horn Spoon they'll make any man the equal of the 
gales of the equinox. Eh, m'hearties? 

Hearties: [in chorus] 

If Caesar had drunk it, he'd be ruling now in Rome; 
In Florida 'twas sought for by Ponce de Leon; 
If Napoleon had had it, there'd have been no Waterloo. 
We've got a corner on it, and we give the stuff to you." 

Tai: [shyly] O-oh! then I think I know just the man I shall give it to. 

Capt.K.: Wait! You must tell no one of all this. Fate must guide, not 
you. Think, lass! This potion would prove a fearsome weapon 
in the hands of the wrong man. You must prove him worthy first. 

Tai: How? 

Capt.K.: Tell him that it is death poison to all men save a chosen one; 
but to that one it is a sure means, by great hardship on his part, 
to help you to the fulfillment of your destiny. The man that will 
then take the chance for your sake and dare touch it to his lips will 
be worthy of a daughter of Captain Kidd. [He gives her the vial.] 

[271 



Tai: [taking vial] Thank you — only — I wish I could tell Rufe about 
it. You see, he is very different from all other — 

Capt.K. : Aye! Your grandmothers said that before you. But, by the 
swinging jib, Tai Lo, I forbid you to tell anyone. Look [he points 
to the vial]. She's half empty — half of that has been spilled to 
no account in many a brawl on a bloody deck. And why? Be- 
cause the secret wasn't kept; because there weren't any men 
different from all other men. 

Tai: Tell me about it. 

Song: Song of the Spanish Main. 

[.■It the end of the last chorus someone is heard coming from upstairs. 
( 'aptain Kidd places his hand on Tai Lo's head in blessing, while 
the pirates run to the two doors. Captain Kidd enters chest and 
disappears. Pirates enter chest, chanting.] 

Hearties: Then we'll say "heave ho," and go to our rest 
In that land below, 'neath the old sea chest, 
Where we'll tip the tank at the " Skull and Bones," 
Shooting craps in the cellar of Davy Jones. 

[Hollow laughter is heard, the rattling of dice, and last bars of " Rocked 
in the Cradle of the Deep." 

As the lid shuts down, Rufe appears on the stairs, clad in pajamas 
and bathrobe, the flashlight in his hand. Fie goes to the chest. Tai 
Lo makes a movement of protest. He opens the chest and pulls out the 
old clothes. Closes it and comes down to Tai Lo.] 

Queer! thought I saw the thing move. Guess I've got 'em again. 

Got what? 

Nerves. Didn't see a bottle around here, did you? — about half 

full. 

[jumps] A — a — of what? 

[indicating the cocktail shaker.] Oh, I didn't mean that. I don't 
drink, you know. I meant my bottle of Nuxated Iron. Take it 
steady my nerves. 
Oh! [relieved]. 

Seems to me I've always been taking something to steady my 
nerves. Never has any effect on me. Sometimes I think that 
they're all wrong — that I haven't got any nerves. Say, would 
you like me better if I didn't have any. I mean if I just had — 
now, for instance, if I were as strong as Theo and could rescue you 
from a runaway horse — 



Rufe : 
Tai: 
Rufe : 

Tai: 
Rufe : 



Tai: 
Rufe : 



28 



[During this speech Rufe has turned away and Tai has been fingering 
the vial as if planning to give it to him. She glances fearfully at 
the chest, then decides to disobey Captain Kidd, and turns to Rufe 
with the vial. Rufe, in the meantime has stopped talking in embar- 
rassment, has walkcil up back stage and is standing looking at the 
sea chest.] 
Tai : Here is something that — 

[Rufe begins to whistle " Rocked in the Cradle of the Deep." 
When Tai hears this she starts, looks up at Rufe, and puts the vial 
back in her pocket.} 

Tai: What made you whistle that? 

Rufe: What? 

Tai : That, that song. 

Rufe: Oh, [he whistles a few bars; Tai shudders and glances at the chest] 

I don't know. Just came into my head. I guess it was just the 

thought of the old chest from Tambelo. 
Tai: [straightening up] Yes, I am glad that you spoke of it just now. 

I wanted to tell you. I, too, have work to do on Tambelo, and, 

I wanted to ask you to help me. 
Rufe: You know, I'd go an awful long way to help you, Tai Lo, but you 

know me and my — difficulties. 

Tai: Yes, Rufe, I do know you, better than you know yourself. Are 
we partners? 

Rufe: [grasping her hand] Partners, Tai Lo, what can I do? 

Tai : I am going to give you something to keep for me that is very valu- 
able. Here [handing him the vial] this has been — er — handed 
down to me from my ancestors [looking toward chest]. In it is a 
liquid that is death poison to all men save a chosen one [she says 
this as though reciting a lesson], but to that one it is a sure means, by 
great hardship on his part, of helping me to the fulfillment of my 
destiny. 

Rufe: [taking it] You say it's poison? 

Tai: To all but one. 

Rufe : Look here, did they — the ancestral relations — ■ guarantee that 
if the right man drank it, it would save you when the time came? 

Tai : Yes — by — the Great Horn Spoon ! 

Rufe: [looks surprised, then smiles] All right. Then it's worth taking 
care of — I mean, aye, aye, Captain, I'll stow it away. 

Song: " Big Enough for Two." With chorus of pajama girls. 



29 



ACT III 

SCENE 1 

[The .scene is the meeting place of the Tambelans on a hillside overlooking 
the sea. Off right a bit of the ocean is visible and off left the rising slope of a 
mountain. There is shrubbery on the stage whose contour, rising left and 
receding right, suggests the slope of the hill.] 



Opening 



Mark: 

Theo: 

Mark: 
Theo: 
Mark : 

Theo: 



Bill: 



Theo: 

Bill: 

Theo: 



Chorus: Native's Song. [Enter Soothsayer] Soothsayer's Song. 

Prayer to Buddha. [Enter Rajah and bandits. Exeunt others.) 

Rajah's Song. 

[After (heir song the bandits and the Rajah do a team dance. They 

see Mark and Theo coming off stage and exit left at the end of the 

dance. Enter Mark and Theo.] 

All don' care! Ah don' care! Fo' hundred 'n' eighty-six wives! 

Ah knows better, that's all. 

You may know better, but it's true. The old bandit chief has 

four hundred and eighty-six wives. 

Well, it ain't right, that's all. 

Yes, I know. Never mind the philosophy. 

Say, Marse Theo, speakin' of philosophy, does the words " twen'y 

dolluhs" mean anything to you? 

I promised you the twenty dollars, and you'll get twenty dollars. 

I don't happen to have them just — ■ [The Rajah and the bandits 

walk across a corner of the stage pensively sharpening their knives on 

scythe stones. In unison each plucks a hair out of the head of the man 

in front of him and tries his knife on it. Exeunt. Mark has had 

his back to them.] Mark — I'm going back — to get you the 

twenty dollars. [Grasps his hand with feeling.] Good luck to you. 

Here's a package of cigarettes until I come back. [Gives him a 

package.] 

[Enter Bill sans wig, carrying the pink parasol.] 

And as for you — oh, I know I won't show you up to Bab for what 

you are, because — 

Because I'd show you up for what you are. The only difference 

between me and you is that I went to jail for something I didn't 

do, and you didn't go to jail for something you did do. 

Well, you keep away from my girl, that's all. 

Your girl ! 

[ready to fight] Yes, my — [then thinks of bandits]. See you later. 

[Exit.] 

[30] 



Makk: You mean to tell me that you ain't, a little girl? 
Bill: Yes — and I'll tell you some more. I'm twenty-eight years old 
and male. I skipped a ten year sentence at Atlanta for robbing a 
post-office that I never heard of till they slipped it to me in a third 
degree. I'm hot and disgusted; an' I'm still seasick; and I love 
Barbara Dubb; and I'm going to marry her if it takes a murder 
to do it; and I don't care who knows it. [He is shouting.} 
Mark: There, Marse Phoebe, quiet down. 

Bill: Not Phoebe! Bill! Look at those shoes. Do you want to know 
what purgatory is? Well, put your foot inside of those for two 
godless weeks. Did you ever have fleas? [Mark nods.] Well, 
you let that wig decompose on your head and see how it compares. 
And look at this parasol Mrs. Dubb gave me. — At least that's 
one thing I can lose. [Starts to break it.] 
Mark: Heah, heah, Marse Bill. Yo' all needs somethin' fo' yo' nerves. 

Have a cigarette. 
Bill: Oh, lead me to it (is about to light it. Stops.] No, I'm going to 
stick it out one more day — and then let that cigarette-selling 
piker look out. [Puts on his wig.] 
Mark: Yo' all better go back with the rest of the ladies. [Bill glares] — 

That is, back with the ladies. 
Bill: Just, one day! [Exit.] 

Mark: [reading] "The World's Only Intoxicating Cigarette." Intoxica- 
tin — All doubts it. [Lights cigarette] — Of all the heathen 
localities on this yeah terrestial universe, All never expects to 
discover an environment mo' aggravatin' to mah sense of the 
ridiculous. [The cigarette begins to operate. He talks to an imagi- 
nary someone at his side.] — Yes; all other things bein' equal, 
this has been a delightful day. The sky is simply heavenly with 
the flowers and the fishes. An' the sun an' the moon there together 
— [He shades his eyes with his hand.} The sun an' the moon — yes, 
there's the sun an' the moon an' [puzzled] — that other one now 
might be — [As if answering the person with him.] That's so. 
That's what it is. But don't it seem to you it has a few too many 
corners on it for that. — Foggy, no, no! It may look foggy to 
you, but I see roses — roses an' butterflies. [The cigarette has 
control. He shivers, falls into a loose-jointed dance and exits.] 
[Enter Rajah and bandits. They go right, folloiving Mark with 
their eyes. Then return center stage.] 
Rajah: That coon was with the gang that landed on the island today. 



31 



Theo: 

Rajah: 

Theo: 

Rajah: 
Theo: 

Rajah: 



1st Bandit: The bunch with the four women? 

2nd Bandit: That's the one. 

[Enter Theo right. He jumps at an imaginary sound at his left. 
His eyes light on the bandits.] 

[gasping] Oh! 

Hey, you ! Come here. 

Yes, sir. Here's my watch and my money and my hat and my 
necktie. I'd like to keep my shirt and these [he indicates his 
trousers] sir. 
Who are you? 

Theobald Dunlap, sir, president and sales manager of the firm of 
Theobald and Dunlap, Incorporated, manufacturers — 
All right. You'll have a chance to speak your piece some time 
later — either above or below. Weenie, take this out and dispose 
of it. Then put it in the ash can in front of the town hall. Better 
carve it small ; it's a little can. 
3rd Bandit: [unsheathing his knife]. Yes, sir. [Starts out with Theo.] 

Rajah: Oh, Weenie. Bring it back. [They return. To Theo.] Enjoy 

life, do you? 
Theo: Yes, sir. 

Rajah: I'll give you yours for a little information. 
Theo: Anything, sir. 
Rajah: I've ruled this island for fifteen years. The little kid that I exiled 

back there has grown up. She came back here today, looking for 

a job as queen of the island. Never refuse a lady : tnat's my motto. 

So I'm going to let her be queen, — but I'm going to be king. 

You're going to marry her? [Rajah nods.] 

The young lady is one of the four in your party. I might marry 
them all, but I've got four hundred and eighty-six already, and 
the family's getting a bit unwieldy, as you might say. Now, what 
you're going to tell me is, which of the crew is the princess. 
You're sure you'll marry her, take her off to the mountain? 

Rajah: I'll guarantee it. 

Theo : She may be a bit young. 

Rajah: I've got 'em all ages. 

Theo : What if she resists ? 

Rajah: Huh! [Wipes his knife on his sleeve.] 



Theo: 
Rajah : 



Theo: 



32 



Theo: 



Rajah : 



Theo: 
Rajah : 
Bandits 
Rajah: 



Bandits 
Rajah: 



Bill: 

Steve : 

Ritfe: 
Tai: 

Steve : 
Rufe: 
Tai: 

Rufe : 
Bill: 

Rufe : 

Tai: 



All right, then. — She's the one with the pink parasol. But I 

warn you: treat her rough. She comes from New Haven and 

she's used to it. 

You leave that to me, kid. All right, you're through. Beat it. 

[Theo starts.] Hey, you won't mention this, [He drops his knife; 

it sticks in the floor] will you? 

N-no, sir. [Exit.] 

Did you get it men; the pink parasol? 

: Yes, sir. 

Well, we can have the wedding before supper, so we might as well 

scout up the little lady now. Weenie, you take a look down around 

the beach. Gumbo, you try around the fire house. Noodles, see 

what you can find in Central Square. You [to the fourth] stick by 

me. All report here in twenty minutes, and a gallon of hootch to 

the man with the princess. Beat it! 

: Yow! [Exeunt all but Rajah and his helper.] 

Here comes some of that crew now. Let's you and me sneak, 
buddie. [Exeunt.] 

[Eriter Steve and Bill right, followed by Tai* and Ruff, arm in 

arm.] 

[talking over his shoulder to the others] — and day before yesterday 
evening when we went through the typhoon — Oh ! I fainted 
right in father's arms. 

She may not look it, Professor Dubb, but my little Phoebe is a 
frail child. She isn't strong. 

Day before yesterday — weren't we on deck that evening? 
Oh, yes. We didn't miss a single one. We celebrated then as usual. 
Celebrated? 
Well — you see — •. 

The second night out we threw the bottle of Nuxated Iron over- 
board and every evening after that — 
We held a celebration on deck — to pray for its soul. 
But night before last there was a gale. It was raining and the 
ship was jumping up and down — oh! 

Come to think of it, it was a little breezy at times. I guess it was 
raining, too. 

But those little things don't matter since we gave the Nuxated 
Iron to Davy Jones. [She imitates a gesture of Captain Kidd.] 



33 



Rufe: No, sir, by — the Great Horn Spoon. [Same business.] 

Steve: I'm afraid Phoebe gets her delicate health from her mother. 

Poor, poor, poor Helen! She was more a phantom than a real 

woman. 

[Enter Sadie, an oriental chorine.] 

Bill: [soto voce] One of the natives. 

Rufe: An interesting specimen for study, Professor Drinkwater. 

Steve : Quite so, Professor Dubb. 

Sadie: Say, are youse guys talkin' about me? Well, I don't blame you. 
I'm somethin' to talk about. Look me over, kids. Not so bad 
for a one-cylinder town on a two-by-four island, eh what? Have 
you got a Lucky Strike? [Bill produces a package. Questioning 
glances between Tai and Rufe.] Thanks. I guess you don't 
know who I am. [Lights the cigarette.] Well, I'll tell you. I'm 
Sadie o' Woolworths'. Does that mean anything to you? No, I 
can see it don't. Well, I'll tell you. I'm president of the Tambe- 
lan local of the Flapper's Union. 

Rufe: Oh, quite a large union. 

Sadie: Well, not very big. Just now there's only eight of us. You see, 
the Rajah — you know about the Rajah, don't you? Well, I'll 
tell you. He married all but just the eight of us. We ain't very 
good-lookin' — but we got lo-ots o' pep. 

Rufe : You mean, he married — 

Sadie: Yup, — but that ain't goin' to last long. You see, the Princess — . 
You know about the Princess, don't you? Well, I'll tell you. 
The Rajah sort o' removed her from the island about fifteen years 
ago, when he killed the old king. And she's coming back today. 

Tai: Who told you that? 

Sadie: The old Soothsayer. He saved the throne from the palace when 
the Rajah burnt it down, and he's going to have it put up here to 
receive the Princess tonight. [She talks to Tai and Bill.] 

Rufe: From her conversation I should think she would be an interesting 
subject for investigation, Professor. 

Steve: Quite so, Professor. 

Rufe: Particularly her ancestry. 

Steve: Oh, yes, Professor. 

Rufe: I beg your pardon, madame, but are your parents alive? 

Sadie : Well, yes and no. Mother's all right except for a touch of lumbago 



34 



now and then, but poor father — the year after the big wind poor 
father got drowned in a tank in the brewery. 
Rufe: Do you suppose I could interview your mother? 

Sadie : Say, guy, I know your game. You want to ask my mother if you 
can marry me. Well, I want to tell you that it's little Sadie 
herself who picks the additions to the family, and I have taken a 
liking to your friend with the mustache. [ To Steve] I just adore 
a man with a mustache. 

Steve : In that case, Professor, I might question the girl further while you 
interview her mother. [ To Sadie] I assure you he will not speak of 
marriage. 

Sadie: Say, that would be a good idea, wouldn't it? You and me might 
go for a walk, eh what? 

Rufe: [to Tai] Will you excuse us, possibly until this evening? 

Tai : Certainly. 

Bill: Hurry back, father, I shall miss you. 

Sadie: [to Rufe] You don't know about my house, do you? Well, I'll 
tell you. It's the house with the hydrant in front of it on the third 
street after the gas house right around the corner from the car 
barns. Bein' intellectual, you'll be able to scout it up without me, 
eh what? 

Rufe: (noting it on a scrap of paper] Thank you. [To Tai] Until this 
evening. [E.vit.] 

Sadie: Say, brother, I don't like your friend. There's too much of him. — 
There's some of the loveliest places to walk here. I remember 
when I was a little girl I — [Exit with Steve.] 

Tai: Well, what do you think of Tambelo, Phoebe? 

Bill: [listlessly] It's all right. 

Tai': I just revel in it. I can imagine nothing better than staying 
here the rest of my life. Can you? 

Bill: [flatly] Yes. 

Tai: Why, what's the matter, dear? You haven't been your old jolly 

self these last few days. 
Bill: I haven't been myself for longer than that. 

Tai: Something must be troubling you. Why, our Phoebe isn't in love, 

is she? 
Bill: The watch is yours. [Tai looks puzzled.] I mean, yes, she is. 
Tai: [suppressing a smile] You poor dear, doesn't he love you? 



35 



Bill: He? 

Tai: Yes, the boy. It's a boy, isn't it? 

Bill: Oh — oh, yes. I want to ask you a question. 

Tai: Yes? 

Bill: Supposing I loved a girl, and — . 

Tai: You love a girl? 

Bill: No, of course not. I mean supposing a man really loved a girl, 
and the girl found out later that he had deceived her about some- 
thing — something he couldn't help — , do you think she could 
forgive him? 

Tai : That depends on the girl. 

Bill: Well, say, for instance, a girl like Bab. 

Tai: I should think so. 

Bill: Put it there, sister! [Handclasp.] 

Tai: You know, sometimes you act just like a man. A girl doesn't 
shake another girl's hand like that, she kisses her. 

Bill: I kiss you? 

Tai: Of course. 

Bill: Well — all right. [Gingerly he kisses her cheek.] But if the girl 
was to forgive him, this man would have to hand her a pretty 
heavy li — that is, he would have to say some pretty nice things, 
wouldn't he? 

Tai: Yes, I suppose he would. 

Bill: What do you think he should say? 

Tai: You needn't worry about that. 

Bill: I know. But I'd like to know — so it wouldn't be such a shock if 

someone said it to me. 
Tai: Well, it can't be done everywhere, you know. You have to set 
the stage for a thing of that kind. First, it has to be evening, 
balmy and beautiful, [The lights are dimmed until the stage is in 
semi-darkness] with a host of little stars twinkling in the sky, 
[Stars appear on the backdrop] while a big, full, yellow, moon 
[It appears] smiles down and lays a moonbeam on her hair like a 
halo. [A baby spot focuses delicately on Tai Lo.] Then with music 
softly floating through the air [ The orchestra plays the prelude to the 
" Love Waltz," pianissimo] he kneels at her side, [Bill kneels] takes 
her hand in his, and the little god of love tells him what to say. 
Song: "The Love Waltz." [Exit Tai. As Bill is about to exit, enter 
Theo, detaining him.] 

[361 



Theo : [between gasps for breath] The parasol — the pink parasol — you 
haven't got it. What did you do with it? 

Bill: [falsetto] You don't think a gentleman would let a lady be without 

protection from the sun, do you? 
Theo : You gave it to — ? 

Bill: The watch is yours, dearest Theobald: I gave it to Miss Barbara. 
Are you jealous? 

Theo: You did! You knew what that parasol meant! You knew it. 

You're a murderer. That's what you are, just to save yourself. 
Bill: Aw, you're cock-eyed. 
Theo: Who's cock-eyed? 
Bill: You're cock-eyed! 
Theo: W'ell, we'll see. [Rushes at Bill, and throws his arms around his 

twist. Bill grabs his throat. Enter Bab carrying the parasol, 

followed by Mrs. Dubb and Prof. The fight ends in what looks 

like an attempted embrace by Theo and resistance by Bill.] 
Bab: [gasping] Oh! 
Mrs.: [roaring] Theobald! 

[Theo releases Bill who sobs on Bab's shoulder.] 
Prof. : Theobald, explain yourself — 
Theo : I — er, why he — that is — she — 

Mrs. : [To Bill, gently] Try to collect yourself, dear, and tell us all about it. 
Bill: Well [sob] he — he tried to embrace me [sob] and I — like the good 

girl I've been these twenty-eight — er, these sixteen years — I 

defended myself [sob]. That's all. 

Mrs.: You poor dear! And you, [to Theo] you have the audacity to 
make love to my daughter. Never speak to her again. [A bandit 
appears over a bush, and spots Bab «.s the owner of the -parasol. 
Theo sees him. He disappears.] 

Theo: Good Lord! Bab, as my last request to you, please give that parasol 
to that — to Phoebe. Do it, I say, or you'll regret it. 

Bab: Yes, it's Phoebe now, isn't it? My little girl friend. I might 
have known when you promised your philandering was over that 
I was just doing what a dozen had done before me and a score 
would do after. It's her complexion you're thinking of now, 
isn't it! / can get all the freckles I want — no matter. [Sob, 
then determined] No, I won't give it to her ! 

Theo: But Bab, you've got to. 



37 



Bab : Why have I got to? 

Theo: [frantic] You have, that's all. Oh Lord, I'll tell you all about it. 
I — 

[.1 bandit with a trench knife in his mouth and two horse pistols in 
his hands appears round a bush.] 

Theo: Well, I can't tell you out loud. Come here and I'll whisper it to 

you. It's a secret. I — 

[A knife falls from a tree above, and sticks in the ground.] 
Bab: [gasping] Oh! 

Theo: Bab, please give the parasol to Phoebe. 
Bab : [resigned] All right, I'll give it to her. [She does.] But I'll warn her 

about you! 
Theo: [the bandit has disappeared] Too late! [The Rajah and his helper 

appear.] No, by George! [He sneaks out of the group and gives the 

high sign to the Rajah] Oh, BOY! Phoebe, will you shake my 

hand? I want to bid you good-bye. 
Mrs.: So you're going, are you? 
Theo: Well, / may be going, but Phoebe — [shakes Bill's hand]. May 

God be with yon! 
Mrs. : You may rest assured of that, while there are depraved scoundrels 

like you in the world. 
Prof.: My dear, considering the trouble the pink parasol has caused, 

don't you think we might omit it hereafter, and take the small 

trunk? 

Mrs.: Arthur, your satire has the acuteness and delicacy of a brick- 
layer's apprentice. The parasol is one of my most treasured 
possessions. Give it to me, my dear. [Takes it from Bill. A 
third bandit spots her.] 

Theo: Bab, will you ever forgive me? 

Bab: [broken-hearted, not angry] Don't speak to me, Theo. Don't speak 
to me. 

[Enter Tai Lo.] 
Theo: Why — we thought we'd lost you. 

Tai: I was just wandering around, seeing what I could of the island. 
Theo: Are you thinking of buying it? 
Tai: No, I won't buy it. 
Mrs.: My dear, there has been a little trouble about my parasol. As a 

neutral party, will you take it? 



38 



Tai: 
Prof. 

Mrs.: 
Prof. 
Mrs. : 



Song: 



Bill: 



Rajah: 
Bill: 

Rajah: 
Bill: 
Rajah : 

Bill: 
Rajah: 
Bill: 
Rajah: 

Bill: 

Rajah: 

Bill: 

Rajah: 

Bill: 

Rajah : 



Why, certainly. [She takes it. Fourth bandit spots her.] 
Theobald, I have more confidence in you. There must be some 
mistake. 

Arthur, there is no mistake. , 
[meekly] There is no mistake. 

Theobald is obviously an abandoned character, and Phoebe is a 
nice little girl. [Theo and Tai stroll off after Tai has returned the 
parasol to Bill.] 

" A Nice Little Girl." [Verses 1 and 2, Bill with Professor Dubb, 
Mrs. Dubb, and Bab in the dance. All exeunt after Chorus 2. As 
an encore Bill returns, followed only by the Rajah and his bandit 
carrying a coil of rope. Bill sings Verse 3. After Chorus 3, exit 
Bill followed by the bandits. A crash off stage. Scuffling.] 
[off stage] Hey! [Crash. The bandit is thrown backward onto the 
stage as if from a catapult. He dives back into the fight. Enter 
Bill, his neck in a rope between the Rajah and the bandit. The 
Rajah has a black eye. Bill's ivig is askew and his dress soiled, but 
he grins as he wipes his nose with the back of his hand. The bandit 
is exhausted.] 

[feeling his eye] The island isn't worth it. 

You get pretty physical in your affectionate advances around here, 
don't you? 
Silence ! 

Go on; I'll hang a shanty over your other eye. 
There's one advantage in having a wife like you. I can get a 
divorce whenever I want one. 
A wife? You mean you're going to marry me! 
I am. 

Why, my poor man, you don't realize what I am. I'm a — 
Don't you worry. I know what you are, and that's just why I am 
going to marry you. 

[a deep breath] Have you got an engagement ring? 
A priceless stone. [Produces a large solitaire.] 
[Examines it; falls on Rajah's neck] My love, my darling. 
My betrothed. [Embrace.] May I slip it on your dimpled finger? 
You're darned tootin' right. [He does.] And have you a wedding 
ring? 

[Producing one] Of purest African gold. [Bill steps on it. Then 
bites it.] 

[391 



Bill: My honey bunch. 
Rajah: My dicky bird. 

[Enter a bandit running, dragging Bab by the wrist.] 
1 st Bandit : The princess ! 
Bill: Bab! [They tighten the rope around his neck.] 

[Enter another with Tai.] 
2nd Bandit : The princess ! 

[A third with Mrs. Dubb.] 
3rd Bandit : The princess ! 
Rajah: The princess? 
Bandits: Yes. 

Rajah: Which one of them had the pink parasol? 
Bandits: [Each pointing to his capture] She is. 
Rajah: Then who's the princess? 
Bandits: [same business] She is. 
Rajah: [to Bill] Are you the princess? 
Bill: [taking off his wig] Do I look it? [Mrs. shrieks. Bab gasps and 

starts to cry.] 

Rajah: Give me back those rings. 

Bill: Look out for your other eye. 

Rajah: [to Bab] Are you the Princess? 

Bab: [trembling, in tears] No, sir. I'm just Barbara, and that's my 
mother. 

Rajah: [looking at Tai] And that's your servant, that's one thing I know. 

Well, boys, let's take 'em all away to the mountain, what do you 

say? 
Bandits: Yow! [Dance.] 

Curtain 

SCENE 2 

[Evening in the meeting place. Picturesque lighting effects with lanterns. 
A throne center stage back, raised on several steps.] 

Song: "The Princess" [Soothsayer and chorus of natives. Rufe, Pro- 
fessor Dubb, and Theo are watching. After Song enter Bill,, 
breathless, his clothes torn, his wig lost.] 

[40] 



Prof.: My God, Phoebe! 

Bill: Not Phoebe! Bill — ■ Boozer Bill Buxton, that's me. Now listen. 
You know the bandits, the Rajah and his gang. They swooped 
down on the town from the mountain two hours ago and kidnapped 
me — ■ and Mrs. Dubb — - 

Prof.: My Gwendolyn. 
Bill: — and Barbara — 

Theo: Well, if she will throw a good man down. 
Bill: — and Ta'i Lo, and he's going to marry them all. 
Rufe and Soothsayer: Ta'iLo!! 

Rufe : Yes, Ta'i Lo, the daughter of Captain Kidd — the Princess of 
Tambelo. 

Natives: [crescendo] Kidnapped by the Rajah! The bandits! The 
Princess gone! We must save her. For Tambelo. To the 
rescue. [Amid cries of anger] Save her. To the mountain. Get 
the Rajah. Down with him. Give us a leader, a leader, and 
arms, weapons. A leader. To the mountain. [Cheer.] 

Soothsayer: My children, this is a moment for action, but we must have 
arms. The bandits are strong. There are pikes and spears in the 
cellar of the old mill. Get them. [Exeunt natives.] My friends, 
without a leader we are lost. The bandits' cave is in the depths 
of the mountain and they are strong. My children trust me, but 
I am too old — 

Prof. : And I am not only old, but I would be helpless. Mountains always 
make me dizzy. One of you boys must lead. 

Theo: Well, I saved your daughter from a runaway horse, and I might 
get her out of this scrape, too, but she doesn't seem to have much 
use for me. I don't guess little Theo is going to work up blisters 
for another man's wife. 

Bill: You saved her from a runaway horse, did you? Well. Your little 
game's up now, Mr. Theobald. [In disgust] Oh, I won't tell on 
you. You're not worth the breath. [To Prof.] But I'll make my 
confession. First, I went to Yale. Second, that night I came into 
your house I had escaped from the Atlanta federal jail. These 
are Bab's clothes — bless her. I'll admit my life was a bit shady 
in the old days, but I never committed the robbery I was sent up 
for, and since I've known Bab — and loved her! — it's been the 
straightest and narrowest path for me, and it will be from now on. 
[Gives him jewels]. There's the stuff I snagged from you that first 



41 



night before I really knew Bab, and there, [gives roll of bills] is the 
price of my ocean voyage. I copped it from the Rajah, while he 
was making love to Mrs. Dubb. Your wife and ward are in danger. 
You can't help them. I can. If I can save Bab from the bandits, 
if I save her — ? 
Prof. : If you can save her, she's yours. 
[The natives return with arms.] 

Bill: Then she's mine this minute. [To Rufe] Well, brother, this job is 
between you and me. You don't look it, but as sure as I'm not a 
woman, you're the best man in this crowd. What do you say, do 
you lead or do I? 

Rtjfe: [he has taken the rial from his pocket] I never led anything in my life. 
Nobody ever thought I could except one, and that one was Tai'Lo. 
I'm either going to save her or never see her again. Do you see 
this flask? There is every chance that that is deadly poison to me, 
but there is one possibility that it will make me able to save her. 
[He drinks it, and staggers a moment.] 

Theo: Better stick to Nuxated Iron, Rufe, old boy. [The stuff begins to 
take effect. 117//; a whoop Rufe recovers. He throws off the horn 
glasses; back goes the hair, up the shoulders, and out the chest.] 

Rufe: Wow! — [to Theo] Say that again! 

Bill: He'll never get a chance. [Bill hinges for Theo, who turns to run. 
Rufe stops Bill.] 

Rufe: Hold up, Jack. There's bigger game than that waiting for us. 
[Grabs a pike] Let's go ! 

Soothsayer: My children, [pointing to Rufe] your captain. 

Bill: [holding a half pint bottle of white liquid] Do you see this flask? 
There is every chance that that is wood alcohol, but there is just 
one possibility that it's GIN! [He drinks.] Wow! [Same business 
as Rufe.] 

[Natives cheer. Orchestra plays the "Pirate Song."] 

Rufe: Fall in! [The natives obey.] Company attention. Count off! 
[To Bill, who is not in line] Sergeant take your post. [Bill is right 
guide] Squads right — hoy! [Rufe, using his pike as a drum 
major's baton, parades the company around the stage. Exeunt 
toicard the mountain.] 

Curtain 



42 



SCENE 3 

[Battle music. A confused murmur of voices and noises behind the 
curtain grows in volume with the crescendo of the music. As the 
music changes from fortissimo to the "Victory Song," mezzo forte, the 

Curtain Rises 

[Steve and Sadie are discovered 'playing "Peas Porridge Hot" on 
the steps of the throne. Enter two dancing girls, strewing flowers in 
the path of the procession. Crescendo of the music. Enter the 
procession singing. First Tat! Lo led by the Soothsayer. Then 
Rufe, his clothes in shreds, riding on the back of the Rajah, leading 
one bandit by the scruff of the neck and the other three by Bill's rope. 
Then follow Bill and Bab, Prof, and Mrs. Dubb [with smelling 
salts], and the natives. Parade around stage while Tai is placed on 
the throne.] 

Soothsayer: My children, your queen. [All natives kneel except Rajah.] 

Rufe: Kneel! You! [The Rajah kneels.] Beg forgiveness for your sins. 
[The Rajah assumes an attitude of prayer.] 

Tai: You are forgiven. 

Bab: [to Bill] So are you. 

Rufe : [kneeling on steps of throne] And I too will kneel before my queen. 

Soothsayer: Not before her, at her side. 

Tai: Yes, at my side. Like my heart, my throne is big enough for two. 

Finale: "Big Enough For Two." [Then embrace by all hands followed by] 
"Bad Boy." [Mark walks across the stage wiping perspiration 
off his brow and counting twenty dollars in bills. His sleeves are 
ominously rolled up. Then:] "Pirate Song." 

Curtain 



[43 



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